Fatherhood changes everything

Your dad probably paced around the maternity-ward waiting room when you were born, then handed out cigars and went right back to work. That was then; this is now.

Today, you guys are not just going to gynae appointments, you’re asking probing questions of your doctor, you’re cutting umbilical cords, swaddling newborns, even carrying them out in public (Note to moms-to-be: your results may vary). This new brand of fatherhood has obvious benefits for families but a certain amount of awkwardness and discomfort as well for you, dad. You worry: with all this parenting and nurturing, will I lose my edge? Go broke? Watch sport or ever have sex again?

Well, yes... and no... is the answer. Fatherhood will diminish the amount of time you’ll have to drink beer but it opens up a whole new world of opportunity as teacher, mentor and role model. You can teach your son to make a curry and your daughter to bait a hook. That’s a pretty good expression of your manliness. Let men be men. In the meantime, laughing at the awkward moments (together, hopefully) is a good way to go. That and having the shared knowledge that the greatest gift a dad can offer his partner and kids is bringing his male characteristics to the family table. And the rewards are incalculable.

“Epic emotional attachment is not something we are ready for as males,” says writer Kurt Voelker, “but when my child sees me and jumps into my arms, it's pure gold.”

To help you both get to that happy place, here’s a guide to a few of those awkward new moments - some suggested reading so dad can hone in on his dad skills and gain some solutions for the fears he may harbour (so mom will know what’s going on).

Your dad didn't do this

The demands of modern fatherhood have today’s new and expecting dads experiencing things previous generations of men were excused from doing, for the most part. Or ran screaming from. Or just flat laughed at.

Here’s a preview of just a few of the awkward situations and how you can handle them.

• ‘Hey, boss, can I take a few hours off so I can go to a gynae’s appointment?’
  
  Ever thought you would ask this question at work? Moms clearly appreciate their partner’s support at prenatal appointments, and dads are curious about the developing baby, so going to every appointment is a great idea. But will the request be perceived as a lack of commitment to the job, as a weakness? Increasingly, no. In a recent poll conducted for Men’s Health magazine, top executives cited time with the family as a sign of success. Being a good dad may even bring you new clout in the office, but it doesn’t hurt to make sure you’re making the request of someone with kids. Consider it preparation for when you have to contend with a sick child.
  
  
• Hoody or not? Circumcision decision 2009.
  You’ve probably never had to make a decision impacting somebody else’s penis before. It’s a big responsibility. Arguments in favour of circumcision have most often been either religious, cultural or cosmetic/psychological, eg “I want my son to look like me.”
  
  The non-snippers usually come from an empathetic point of view: “Would you want that done to you without your permission?”
  
  New evidence indicating that circumcision may help reduce susceptibility to some sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, may “tip” the scales for some couples, though many medical experts don’t agree on this. Take advice if you are confused or conflicted.
  
  
• Pelvic exams become a spectator sport
  Do you know what a speculum is? If you attend your partner’s gynae appointments (and you should), you will. The question for a dad-to-be in the examination room becomes: where is the best seat in the house? When her feet go into the stirrups (though lots of gynaes don’t have them these days), do you want to be on the front line or an obscured view from the railway stand?
  
  Some dads excuse themselves from the room entirely in the name of “preserving the magic”. Others see these exams as an initiation into perceiving the mom’s body in an entirely new way. There’s no right way here; take your cues from your partner and that means communicating ahead of time.
  
  
• Will do dishes or fold laundry for sex
  Is fatherhood the end of your sex life? Not completely, though you probably never imagined that sex would be in any way related to washing the dishes. But with a pregnant mom or a new baby on the scene, contributing around the house can be an aphrodisiac.
  
  It’s not that sex goes away with parenthood: it has just been placed firmly into a domestic context and requires a completely different kind of negotiation. Did I say negotiation? I meant to say seduction. One involving socks. Paired and balled. The socks.

4 worst fears

• ‘I won't have enough money’
  “My wife’s the big earner and she’s taking time off. I have no idea if two can survive on my salary, let alone three.”
  Reality: most expectant fathers overestimate the financial hit they’re about to take. Sure, there are some big-ticket items – the cot, the stroller, the car seat.
Half of these will magically materialise thanks to doting grandparents and friends. And the rest of the stuff won’t cost half as much as you spent on tickets to the game last year.
A word of advice: if she quits work for a while, try to avoid the feeling that she’s spending your money.


• ‘I'll feel left out’
  “I read books about pregnancy and babies – it’s the only way I can bring anything to the table – otherwise, my wife just talks to her friends and leaves me out of it.”
  Reality: within seconds of your baby’s birth, your wife will only have eyes for the little one. At times, you’ll feel like the fifth wheel, deflated and stowed away in the trunk. It won’t always be that way. After weeks of attending to a newborn, your wife will look to you for adult company.
  A word of advice: learn how to be useful around the house. Then actually be useful.
  
  
• ‘I'll lose my freedom’
  “I travel on business and had the chance to go to a great party in Joburg, if I stayed over. I took the late flight back!”
  Reality: your world will be split between two types of friends - those with kids and those without. You’ll quickly distance yourself from childless bachelors. And you’ll be so happy you just won’t care.
  A word of advice: those dreams you never acted on but don’t want to let go of. It’s put-up-or-shut-up time.
  
  
• ‘I'll never have sex again’
  “Throughout the whole pregnancy, I obsessed endlessly about how little sex I was going to get after the baby was born.”
  Reality: spend the celibate six weeks after the baby is born helping her feel good about herself again. With time, patience and some indulgence on your part, she will want to have sex as much as you do. It will give her a chance to feel like a woman again, not just a mother.