Trimester 1

There’s a crucial term out there in the land of breeders that women throw around with such ease and regularity you could have sworn they were talking about frying eggs. It’s called the “trimester” and it has nothing to do with rugby statistics.

If you can understand how the trimesters work, you’re halfway there already, because over the remainder of your wife’s pregnancy the most frequent question you will hear is this, “So how far along is she?” The easiest route is to answer with the due date (learn this and commit it to memory), but the sign of a father-to-be who really knows his oats is when he says, nonchalantly, “Oh, she’s in her second trimester.” That’s a gold star, right there. You don’t need to know that she’s 13-and-a-half weeks; leave that detail to her. All you need to know is which of the three trimesters she is in and to use that knowledge to understand what is happening to her body. And her mind. Here are the bare essentials.

Trimester 1 (the first 13 weeks)
Your baby is a tadpole and by week five is only about 8mm long. In fact, that’s a small tadpole. The growth rate, though, is freakish and by 11 weeks it will be 7.5cm and many of its organs will already be functioning. By the end of the first trimester you cannot call the tadpole “it” any longer and you could try using “whipper snapper”, “junior” or even “the baby” for size.

Your wife’s body is beginning to adapt to the demands of building a baby, so there’s a lot of tiredness and mood-swings as her hormones go bananas and the prospect of parenthood looms. She also gets “pregnancy brain”, an unfortunate affliction usually asso-ciated with folks who have brain injuries. Her brain becomes slow and forgetful, plus she has constipation, wants to sleep all the time and “morning sickness” has set in. The good news is the nausea and vomiting usually disappear during the second trimester.

Do say: “Hey gorgeous, I know you feel crap, but you’re looking so healthy.” Then get her some folic acid, which can reduce risks such as spina bifida.

Don’t say: “Good grief, this is a total abortion.” Abortion as a subject for newly pregnant woman is like talking about an abattoir to a calving cow.

Don’t say: “I just hope you don’t have a miscarriage.” This is too close to the bone since this is precisely the period at which most miscarriages happen – about 15 per cent of all women under the age of 35 will have one. So talk about it, but with care. Once past the 8 to 12-week period, there is a 98 per cent chance of giving birth to a full-term, healthy baby.

Don’t say: “Wow, your acne really is hectic.”
With all those hormones coursing through her veins, she may well come up in spots and, worst of all, she is not meant to use any oral or topical treatments that contain vitamin A or its derivatives. Spot city, dude.

Know this: from the word go, she has a 97 per cent chance of having a healthy baby.

Do that: buy her some home spa products so she can lie around in the bath and feel pampered.

Trimester 2

(14-28 weeks)
Her belly is beginning to show now and by 16 weeks the baby is the size of a pear and it is developing taste buds. At 18 weeks, she could begin to feel the first movements and by 28 weeks the little one is the length of a rugby ball.

Nausea and fatigue should begin to reduce, but a mother is still plagued by feelings of anxiety about the health of the baby and she begins to have a rising sense of panic about what might happen in labour. You just need to reassure her that a few other women have done this before her. By now she’s also beginning to fart a lot, experience substantial heartburn, get leg cramps and battle sleeping.

Do say: “Hey babe, I think we should pull out of the Iron Man event.” Exercise is always good but no more than 30 minutes a day and nothing too exerting. She should always be able to have a conversation while exercising.

Don’t say: “Will you ever have a flat belly again.” She will now begin to show a tummy, but she does not need to know your concerns about her weight gain – she worries enough about that.

Don’t say: “My God, you’re going into labour!” During this period women often experience Braxton Hicks contractions as the uterus prepares for the big moment. They are completely normal.

Know this: she will gain around five kilos during this trimester and her increased hormonal activity could make her a horny little bunny. The sex can be 
extraordinary (hopefully you’re one of the lucky ones).

Do that: no matter how much they make you cringe, join every antenatal class. And go to every scan with her.

Trimester 3

(29-38 weeks)
A major nesting instinct kicks in around this period, so you’ll be spending a lot of time moving furniture, painting, organising the garage and throwing out your favourite old soccer boots to make way for the new arrival. At this stage, the baby is the size of a small cat and his lungs are still developing.

Your missus is now making many, many trips to relieve her bladder as a result of the pressure the growing little guy is putting on her organs. With that increase in size, your wife is becoming so uncomfortable she can’t sit or stand or lie, and you might find that her effort noises increase. And then comes the stage of her rather unattractive swollen legs and water retention.

Do say: “Honey, can I give your legs a rub again this evening?” You will be her porn star, her hero and it will possibly be the only time you can get away with such a direct approach. Her legs are aching, her swollen ankles throb, and she will appreciate your efforts to relieve either of these.

Don’t say: “No man, that’s not labour, you’re nowhere near ready.” Being unready is a state of mind, and it’s not one she needs to feel. Right now she needs to know that all her ducks are in a row and that the moment she feels like she’s going to have the bean, you will be ready and confident to take control of the situation.

Know this: if she experiences constant abdominal pain, feels like there is decreased foetal movement or has severe headaches, you should call your doctor immediately. These are red-flag moments.

Do that: write down a list of stuff you need to have on hand for the labour and hospital stay, and ensure that you finish the baby’s room – all paint and dust should be dried, dusted and aired at least three weeks before the birth.

There’s no doubt she will pack her own suitcase – don’t interfere there – but do pack your own bag. You’ll be surprised what you may need:
toothbrush and toothpaste; fresh shirt and sweater; camera, batteries, video, film (it may be on her list, too, but you’ll be held responsible if anything is forgotten or the batteries are flat); charged cellphone and list of who to call; snacks (like trail mix or energy bars – no cheese and onion crisps); anything you may need to support her during labour (massage tool, oils, facecloth); player and music for labour; pen, paper and watch; a book or magazine; a little gift for your wife (she’ll SO deserve it).