Back in the days...

Back in the days when men hunted with clubs and didn’t worry about back hair, becoming a father was a simple process: 1.) Have sex. 2.) Be conveniently out hunting when the baby arrived. 3.) Behold offspring and grunt approvingly.

Men have evolved since then, but the part of our brains that prefers to have tasks broken down into basic steps is still stuck in the Paleolithic Era. Here’s a collection of tips to help you make fatherhood look like child’s play:

• To keep your baby safe on the road, you’ll need to anchor his car-seat base really tight. Here’s how: Plant your knee in it and press down with your entire weight before you cinch the seat belt down. (Uh, make sure Junior isn’t in the seat when you do this.)
  
• Not all strollers are built for 6-foot owner-operators. Before buying, test drive a potential rig to make sure you don’t have to bend over to reach the handles and your feet don’t smack into the axle when you walk.
  
• If hauling around a gaudy diaper bag in public makes you feel like a doofus, throw the whole thing into a gym bag. Goodbye, Barney; hello, Adidas.
  
• Minivans aren’t all that bad. Most of them will even carry a sheet of plywood. A navigation system adds a fun factor.
  
• Unless it’s breastfeeding time, don’t get in the habit of handing your baby off to mom when the crying starts. (The baby, not you.) Doing this makes you look like a wuss. Hint: Motion often stops crying.
  
• Unless you and your wife happen to have the exact same chest size (insert your own sophomoric joke here), buy a second front-facing baby carrier to avoid having to fuss with adjusting straps, buckles, etc.
  
• Party trick: As soon as your baby develops enough leg strength, try teaching him to stand in your hand. He won’t have much balance, so keep a tight grip on his feet and keep your arm moving. Warning: This will freak your wife out.
  
• Spot a fever instantly: If you don’t have a rectal thermometer handy (and why not?), gently place your lips on your baby’s forehead. Warm is OK; hot probably indicates a fever. Administer a kiss while you’re in position.
  
• Babies love this: Lie on your back on the floor and draw your knees up toward your chest as far as you can (having flat abs will help you here). Put your baby on your shins, his head aiming toward you and facing the floor, and rock up and down (not too high, though, and not until he has good head control).
  
• Try this handy comeback when some busybody offers unwanted parenting advice to you, the helpless father: Smile, then turn to your baby and say, “Oh, we’re fine, aren’t we?” Of course you are.