Focusing on the first

You're in the throes of life with a newborn, alternately marvelling at your little one and wondering how an adult can possibly operate on so little sleep. Suddenly, you’re starting to think about baby number two.

For many parents, deciding when to have another baby is a major concern. Should you have your children close together in the hope that they will be good friends or is it better to wait on the second until your first is older? The answer largely depends on your family’s resources – emotional, financial and physical – but child-development experts can offer some guidance.

building secure attachments
Parenting experts and psychologists generally recommend spacing children about three years apart in order to give the first child a more secure emotional footing. That’s because at around the age of two, a child faces a stressful stage filled with struggles over feelings of insecurity. Generally, tantrums caused by frustration are on the rise and adding a sibling to the turbulent mix can contribute to an older child’s feelings of abandonment or rejection. By the age of three, however, a child usually has begun to develop independence and “object constancy” – he knows that his parents love him and that they will, for example, be there for him when they’ve bathed the baby.

“The whole idea is to give the first child a sense of security,” says family psychologist Dr Daniel Blake. “You want him securely attached to his parents so that his confidence can develop and he doesn’t feel unduly threatened by the presence of another child.

“It’s also thought to be better for the second child to have the mother’s full attention while he’s an infant.”

Should we wait?

There are issues with waiting, too. That’s what Jane Hunt of Sandton discovered when her second child, Anna, was born when Jane’s older daughter, Kiara, was five.
“I’d forgotten how exhausting a newborn is,” she says. “Kiara was so independent and easy to care for, and then all of a sudden we were back to having a newborn. It was a hard adjustment.”

In addition, two children who are at different developmental stages may not be interested in playing together. An older first child, who is accustomed to being the centre of his parents’ world, may more actively resent a baby’s intrusion into his life.

Anita Peterson of Port Elizabeth says it took some time for her older daughter, Marden, then 31⁄2, to even acknowledge her newborn sister, Hartley. “Marden had had me to herself for more than three years, and Hartley was taking attention away from her,” Anita says. “All of a sudden, her bedtime rituals were interrupted and she was put off her routine.”
While Anita was disappointed by the rocky start her girls got off to, she says they quickly developed a good relationship. “By the time the younger one was two years old, she absolutely worshipped her sister and wanted to do everything she did,” she says. “The older one definitely liked that.”

Benefits of waiting, for you
Your first child won’t be the only one to enjoy some perks. Here are some of the benefits for parents of waiting on baby number two until the first child is three or older:

• A break in the baby-care routine You’re less likely to be dealing with nappies and frequent feedings for two children.
  
• A chance to regroup Spacing your children farther apart allows you to recharge yourself emotionally before shifting into all-consuming baby mode again.
  
• A chance to let your guard down a bit An older child can typically regulate his impulses more – a handy tool for when, say, you have a newborn on the changing table and you can’t hold down a toddler who’s determined to bolt out of the door.
  
• Increased confidence With a few years of parenting experience under your belt, you’re likely to be more relaxed and self-assured the second time around. “When the second child comes along, you’re more secure, you don’t get rattled as easily and you don’t make the same mistakes,” says Dr Barry Ginsberg.
  

Back-to-back babies

What is it like to parent two kids under the age of three? For many families, in a word, it’s chaotic. “I was so frazzled by the end of the day,” recalls Tammy Bowman of Cape Town. She says the hardest thing about having two children close in age (her first child, Ariana, was two when Athena was born) was trying to constantly entertain them.

“One-on-one time was at a minimum, so I would multitask; I’d put Athena in the baby carrier so I could cook dinner while feeding Ari in her highchair. It was one big merry-go-round until I got Ari to bed.”

Other families find that having two children in quick succession offers benefits that offset the difficulties. For example, Valeria Naidoo of Durban, whose two children, Luca and Katrina, were born 15 months apart, says that because her kids are so close in age, they’re happy to play together and enjoy a real friendship. In addition, she says, “Luca wasn’t old enough to be jealous when Katrina was born, and he doesn’t remember a time when it was just him and us.”

Ultimately, choosing when to have another child (or even whether; see below) is a decision that only you and your partner can make. One thing is certain, though: whenever that new little one arrives, he or she is sure to bring chaos, joy and, yes, plenty of sleepless nights back into your lives.

making the second-child decision
For some couples, the decision isn’t just about when to have a second child – but if. Here are some considerations to discuss with your partner before taking the plunge again:

• Imagine your ideal family
  What kind of home atmosphere do you want? Calm and serene? Busy and bustling? Consider how a second child – or maybe even two (twins happen!) – fits into that picture.
  
• Consider your resources
  There’s no question that having another child will alter your family dynamics and stress levels. Parents need to develop strategies for handling these issues before having a second baby, says Dr Barry Ginsberg. Ask yourselves: do you have the physical and emotional energy necessary to care for two children? Do you have the necessary support network to help with another child?
  
• Take stock of your first child’s needs
  A couple needs to do some advance planning to meet the needs of the older child without taking away from the younger one.
  “It requires the time, effort and cooperation of both parents,” Dr Ginsberg says. Talk about your child – his personality, his coping mechanisms – and what resources are available to help ease the transition. Is he old enough to be involved in a playgroup? Is there extended family nearby who could spend some one-on-one time with him when an infant arrives? Once the baby is born, make sure both parents schedule a weekly one-on-one outing with the older child. Doing so will ease the stress of the transition for all of you.
  
• Don’t forget finances
  Can you afford to have another child? Nappies, clothing, day care, school: they all add up – and quickly.