Pregnant after a break-up

Nicole, 23, is a help-desk analyst for Truworths. She lives in Oakdale in Cape Town. Nicole had an unplanned pregnancy at the age of 21. Her daughter, Cameron, is now 13 months old.

“I had been with my boyfriend for about two-and-a-half years, but we weren’t getting on very well. By the time I found out I was pregnant, we’d already broken up,” she recalls. Nicole told her ex-boyfriend she was pregnant, but he showed little interest.

“The beginning stages of my pregnancy were extremely difficult. I longed for my ex-boyfriend’s affection. Even though I had support from family and friends, I suffered. I felt rejected, embarrassed and ashamed. Initially, I kept my pregnancy a secret. I had never felt so alone. I thought my life was over. If it hadn’t been for my best friend, Melody, I don‘t believe I would have pulled through.

“Three weeks before my due date, I was in a lot of discomfort and had mixed feelings. I was excited and sad, scared and anxious all at the same time. But in my mind I was ready. By the time Cameron was born, I had become much stronger. My ex tried to make amends a few days before I had my elective Caesarean, but I wanted nothing to do with him. I had to be strong for both myself and my baby.”

Nicole‘s mother was a great support. She attended antenatal classes with her, and was at her side in theatre. But after the baby was born, Nicole still battled.

“Being a parent is difficult, but being a single parent is even more so. Besides the financial pressure and the fact that being a new mom is very tiring, I struggled emotionally. I longed for the father to be part of everything. I mostly missed that he wasn‘t part of the positive aspects of my daughter, like when Cameron started developing and there was no-one to share the joys of this amazing little person.
”Also, when your partner leaves you, it damages your sense of self-worth.”

Nicole survived the early months through the support she received from her family. “I live with my parents and they have and continue to provide a loving environment for Cameron. She gets loads of love and attention and there’s a positive, happy vibe in our family. I do most of the day-to-day caring for Cameron, but my family is always there to play with her. I don’t really worry that Cameron needs a father because she’s surrounded by so many people who love her and is getting all her needs met. But I sometimes worry that much further down the line she’ll want to go and live with her father and I’ll lose her, even though he hasn’t been there for her,” she says.

Nicole believes that being a single parent has made her a stronger person. “Having a baby has been an incredibly rewarding experience. Cameron is my inspiration; she’s the reason I want to achieve my goals.”

Dad left when baby was 3

Ziyanda, 27, from Langa in the Western Cape, is studying management at the Cape Town University of Technology and is a single mom to Thato, six. Ziyanda fell pregnant when she was 21.

“I was devastated. My mother had just died three months previously and I really didn’t want to have the baby. But my boyfriend assured me he’d look after me. He was studying IT at the time, but promised to get a job and support me.

”I left home to stay with my boyfriend because I was scared of what my family would say. He was incredibly supportive. Throughout the pregnancy I had backache and he would lovingly rub my back.”
Ziyanda ended up having an emergency Caesar. Her boyfriend constantly reassured her that everything would be fine. “When my baby boy was born, my boyfriend was by my side,” she says.

After the birth, Ziyanda, her boyfriend and the baby moved in to stay with her father. Her boyfriend was very involved – changing nappies, playing with Thato and feeding him. It was only when Thato was two that Ziyanda started worrying about her boyfriend‘s behaviour. She recalls, “He started going out with his friends and drinking lots.” But she also blames herself for the breakdown of their relationship. “My boyfriend would ask me out to his work functions, but I always made excuses. I just didn’t want to go out because it felt like I was abandoning my son. We started arguing everyday.”

When Thato was three, her boyfriend decided to move out. “I was furious and became depressed. I eventually moved in with my aunt,” says Ziyanda. Thato‘s father moved to the UK after telling Ziyanda he needed to find himself. Ziyanda and Thato still live with her aunt; Thato‘s father is still in the UK. He’s been paying maintenance money irregularly and calls about once a month.

The most difficult thing about being a single parent, says Ziyanda, is worrying that Thato wants and needs a father figure. She says, “I worry about the day when Thato comes home and tells me that his friend was playing soccer with his father and asks me when I’m going to marry his father or when his father is coming home. I won’t know what to say. I don’t want his father back, but I want Thato to have his dad. It worries me that my son doesn‘t have a male he can play soccer or cricket with.”

Ziyanda also feels that she battles to discipline her son. “Sometimes, Thato doesn’t listen to me – I think he takes advantage because I’m too soft.”

Ziyanda doesn‘t feel there is any stigma towards her for being a single mom. ”There are so many young girls with babies without fathers in my community that it is the norm. I also get a lot of support from my aunt and family who help me financially and with baby­sitting. It’s imperative to surround yourself with loving people who are positive,” she says.

My husband died

Hayley, 34, lives in Walmer Estate in Cape Town. She’s a
senior account manager at a design agency and mom to 15-year-old Jarryd and nine-year-old Tyler. Eight years ago, when Hayley was just 25, her husband died suddenly of a heart attack. Hayley was devastated at the thought of raising her two sons on her own.

“This was an incredibly difficult time for me. I’d lost my dad and then my husband in the same year.” Hayley moved in with her widowed mother, which was a life-saver. “Support from my family, and especially my mom, has been vital in helping me survive. My mom was and will always be my pillar of strength.”

Now eight years later, Hayley still lives with her mom and her boyfriend of five years. ”It’s been a very long, hard eight years. But I am proud of myself. I’ve built a stable career and have raised two wonderful boys. Every couple paints a picture of how they’re going to live their lives together and raise their kids. The toughest part for me has been that, being boys, they’ve not had their dad around to do “guy things” with. And then there are the milestones they’ve gone through that I’ve not been able to share with my husband.

My oldest son was recently made head boy (grade 7) and received a valedictory award – not because of his academic record but because of the values he’s learnt as a person. I felt so sad that his father wasn’t there to witness this proud moment. That is something I’ve always instilled in my boys – to make their dad proud.”

Hayley says that this tragedy has empowered her to further her studies and to build a good career. ”I was 18 when Jarryd was born. Being single has made me realise I have to be the best in order to have the best. You must determine your own destiny, but you have to believe in yourself to make your life work. I also believe you have to make yourself happy before you can make your children happy.

I am my sons‘ role model – they look at me and see someone who’s always aiming to do better. They know that success in life only comes through having a good education and working hard.”

My biological clock was ticking

Lynn, 42, runs a public relations and events
management company in Knysna. She is mom to Elizabeth, 21/2.

At the age of 37 while living in Cape Town, Lynn took stock of her life. “The picket fence wasn’t looming, my knight in shining armour was nowhere to be seen and my biological clock was ticking… loudly,” she says. Lynn decided to talk to her gynaecologist about the option of having a baby on her own. It was recommended that she either used someone she knew as a sperm donor or visited a fertility clinic to use an anonymous donor.

“A friend said he’d be willing to donate sperm. He was very keen right up to when I wanted to start trying and then he suddenly spun out and accused me of trying to trap him into marriage. Shortly after that I decided that the anonymous donor route would be less complicated.”

Lynn contacted a fertility clinic in Cape Town but was diagnosed with ovarian cysts and endometriosis, which meant that before she could start trying she needed to undergo surgery, which she did. A year later, at the age of 38, she decided to try again and returned to the clinic to choose an anonymous donor.

”I chose someone with a similar appearance to me. He was tall, blonde with green eyes, attractive, intelligent and healthy. All my single friends were greatly supportive – I was like the guinea pig.” But for Lynn it was a rollercoaster ride with intense hormonal ups and downs. After four unsuccessful attempts at falling pregnant with the donor sperm, she decided that it wasn’t meant to be.

In the meantime, she had met a man. ”We were both clear there was no future in the relationship. It was a long-distance fling,” she recalls. And then on a business trip to the Garden Route, Lynn made an arrangement to hook up with him. Three weeks later, she found out that she was pregnant. ”I remember looking at the positive pregnancy test and feeling completely at peace.” Lynn and the father signed a contract denouncing his parental rights, although Lynn says she hopes that maybe one day he’ll get involved in her daughter’s life.

Lynn’s first trimester was tough. ”Besides having all-day sickness, tests revealed an abnormal 10th chromosome and it was recommended that I have an amnio.” Luckily, the test was clear and Lynn’s morning sickness improved during the second trimester. However, there were other difficulties.

”I was a bit of a hormonal mess by the sixth month. I kept swinging from wanting the father to marry me, to wanting him to stay far away. I eventually settled on the latter and insisted on the contract that we drew up.”

Lynn also remembers periods of loneliness. ”When Lizzie moved, I missed someone to share her growth. At the same time, I hadn’t had a partner for so long that I didn’t really know any different. I was also very busy with work; I worked flat out until two weeks before my baby was born.”
Lizzie was born two weeks early. Lynn’s sister, her niece and a friend were at her side during her birth. ”It could not have worked out better. When Lizzie was put on my chest, the feeling was indescribable. It was love at first sight.”

After Lizzie’s birth, Lynn struggled enormously with the new responsibility. ”I have an A-type personality and battled with having no more control over my life. Lack of sleep and self-doubt that I was doing this right led me to suffer from postnatal depression.”

Lynn sought help from a psychiatrist and also moved in with her mother in George. Shortly after, she relocated to Knysna, joined Moms and Tots and got a full-time nanny, which have all helped her cope. “When it comes down to it, I‘m glad I‘ve done this on my own,” she says. ”I don’t have to put up with any relationship problems. I’m completely in charge of the influences over my daughter’s life. She’s mine and I did it virtually on my own. It feels amazing and is the greatest achievement of my life.”